Silent Tears

At this point I really hate reality. I've realized that the choices I make can have a huge impact on the people around me. I never think about the actions I take before I do them or the words that I say and I hate it. I'm mad at myself for doing all the wrong things at all the wrong times. But the thing that is killing me inside about all of this is knowing that sorry just isn't enough.

This week has by far been one of the worst weeks in my entire life. I had dental work done on my teeth, I've missed a couple days of school and that's all because I'm losing my boyfriend; the guy I fell madly inlove with. It's making me struggle with school, home and my social life is even falling off a cliff.  I try, and try, and try, and no matter what, nothing is good enough. I don't know what to do at all anymore. It hurts like hell to even think about anything that involves me with him. I love him...

Because my emotions got the best of me, I walked out only to step away from all the pain and breathe.

Yesterday, I talked to a good friend of mine in second period; Hayaley. She advised me to maybe write a letter to Chris explaing to him how I feel and I haven't did that yet, so I'm going to. If this doesn't work, then I don't know anymore and I'm just gonna have to let go; as har as its going to be. I was always told to go after what I want and that's what I'm doing, or atleast trying to do. I just Chris would believe in me and trust me that I will do my best to make him happy and to change the way I am. I'm not changing for him, but I'm changing for us and to make things better with our relationship. I realized myself that I need to change for a better me because this isn't the first time my insecurites and my lack of trust and everything ruin something good. But I'm going to try my hardest to get us back on the right track. I just fear that all I'm going to do is make things worse.

The letter is really my last option and then I just have to let time take over and heal everything. I just hope he looks at me the same way he did when he first layed eyes on me.